The insecurity and unknown burrows into your brain like a parasite, constantly clawing at you and never relenting. You look for advice but nobody understands exactly what you’re going through, and you feel like you are alone. You can’t think of anyone else, you can’t do anything else. You live on the periphery of relationships, seeing others only as a means to an end. It is not necessary that both are felt, or to the same degree, but one of the two is present.You hate the feelings of the unknown that cause the tightness in your chest, that choke your throat. The abandonments from the past hurt too much that you can’t sustain anything further. Avoiders believe that they can handle things themselves and shouldn’t rely on anyone else, especially in hard times when support is needed.As two people’s psychobiological systems become melded, they create one interwoven neurohormonal system.During a breakup, the intertwined systems go haywire.Complicating things is the fact that each person experiences their own set of emotions, and can think of each other as the abandoner or engulfer!In some cases the individual who distances themselves doesn’t notice, and the abandoner begins to feel like all the energy is coming from within to keep the relationship together.
As emotions go deeper the other person starts to tread on past wounds and any pain left over from past abandonments. Consider the avoider mentality a huge flight or fight response. If I run away and don’t open up that will solve the problem, but I want that closeness so badly. without willing to risk potential hurt and abandonment… This leads to all that unknown insecurity, inability to express emotion, and fear of rejection.Powerful drugs in the body promote attachment to your partner-oxytocin, pheylethylamine, opioids, dopamine, and prolactin, as well as becoming addicted to each other’s pheromones.Activities such as sleeping together, cuddling, sex, touching, and thinking about the other person lead to mutual attachment.